Playing Ketchup

Ketchup

Okay, I know. I've recently been reminded that I'm supposed to be writing about the stuff from my challenge post from wwaaaaayyyyyyyy back in June! I should be writing about:

• Anger/Happiness/Monkeys - The first response I got was also the most difficult. I know what I want to write, just not how to say it. But it's coming, be patient!
• Dialysis - Mostly just a lot of research to get this one right. When I (foolishly?) made the challenge, I guess I didn't take my impending move into account! Working on it!
• The reactions of several historically significant monkeys to the current political climate - Odds are, they would have all just flung poo at all the candidates, but I think I can do better than that! Gimme time!
• TWO illustrated (and monkey-laden) sequels to the movie "Unbreakable" - This dude is just plain weird. Still, it will be fun to do, so count me in (eventually)!
• Another political piece, this time about racially motivated voting - easy to do, hard to do right. I have a lot of political opinions and history to get straight in my head before I do this, but I think it will need to be first (after this!) since the election is coming up so quickly.
• And finally, my moving adventure - Coming soon to a blogosphere near you! But not today!

Today, what we're going to talk about is money.

Kiz-ash!

Now, it is imperative that you all understand that I am NOT an expert in any way shape or form about money. I know it when I see it. I'd prefer to have more of it. But I'm not in any danger of having a nationally-televised program explaining all the ins and outs of it either. Maybe that's the problem.

I've been watching the news, listening to the radio, reading the paper, eavesdropping on people's private conversations, and even examining cloud formations for secret messages and very nearly every word you hear from any source is about the economy.

It's clear to me that someone is going to have to straighten out this mess. We've read about bailouts (er, "rescue" plans!) from the government for everyone from giant insurance companies to huge segments of the population who are already doing fairly well for themselves. We've heard about the government giving more money to banks so they'll stop hoarding the money they already have. We've heard about new rules for how CEO's are paid and how loans are approved. What we've heard has so far cost us $823,000,000,000.00 or so.

Eight
Hundred
Twenty-three
BILLION DOLLARS!

And it's not going to be enough. Not by a long shot. In fact, that giant insurance company I mentioned before is now asking for another hand-out! Also in the billions!

Okay, let me see. I'm 36 years old, and I've had a job of one sort or another since I was about 15. Some were part-timers, some temp stuff, and full-time work since I was 19 or 20, so figure about 20 total years of work. Considering what I make now, and generously doubling my salary every year (thank you!), I should be able to make that up in about 180 years. So don't worry folks, I got this! I hear the first billion is the hardest.

Okay. Perhaps that won't work. Here's a better idea...

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, that comment is not directed at you, my dear (and limited!) readership. Rather, it is intended for all the moorings on Wall Street, those idiots. In fact, here's another little message for those dolts:

There is no such thing as money or profit. It is all imaginary. The whole thing is a confidence game, and I don't mean an "Ocean's Eleven" confidence game, I mean a game of confidence. In other words, if you think you're going to lose money, YOU WILL! You're all idiots! If you would just kick back and calm down for a minute, this whole thing would stop spiraling down around us!

Didn't you learn anything from "It's a Wonderful Life"? During the depression, it was only George Bailey and Mr. Potter who made it through the runs on the banks, because they were the only ones to be reasonable and calm! This is NO DIFFERENT! Calm down and stop trying to pull out every time there's a tiny uptick in your stock prices. Your desperate attempt to make a tiny profit and get out quick just forces the whole mess to perpetuate! How can you be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

Okay. That's enough for those idjits. Here's something for the rest of us:

Sage Words' Guide To Financial Well-Being
(or: how to not get poor without really trying)

As I stated before, I'm not an expert. But I have a rudimentary intelligence which has so far kept me out of jail and non-murdered, so it's at least possible that I could make some sense here. But I also have to keep my lawyer happy by warning you that anything I advise you to do may be complete hogwash and if you follow my advice, it's your own fault, whatever happens.

And in the interests of full disclosure, my lawyer is a small, 1/2 Burmese cat with two missing teeth named "Gizmo". If you anger him, he will leap up, rip out your eyes with his mighty claws, and feast on your brains! Or he may just get cat hair all over your best suit. Whatever.

So here we go. Financial advice:

1. Know how much money you have
2. Spend less than that

Uh, that's all I got. Not very helpful, I'm afraid.

Pollyanna used to play a game called the "Glad Game". No matter what happened, she tried to be positive. When it rained, she would be glad that the plants would be getting a drink of water. When Gilligan and his friends got marooned on a desert island, she would be glad that there would soon be many new coconut-based technologies for the world to share. When Timmy fell down the well, she was glad Lassie would have something to do besides sniffing other dogs' butts. When she fell out of a tree and became paralyzed, she was glad that she'd never wear out another pair of shoes. Okay, so maybe Pollyanna was a bit extreme in her application of the "Glad Game," but the idea was a good one.

Listen. I don't have all the answers. No one does. I know times are tough out there for most of you and I know what it's like to be unsure about how you're going to pay for something you really need. But I also know that panicking is NOT going to fix anything. Try to keep your head during all of this and don't despair. There's enough despair in the world as it is, so let's not add to it, okay?

And if we start to go hungry, we can always eat the koalas.



-Sage Words

The Jury Remains Out

So I guess that gadget worked, but I'm still of two minds on the idea. I think I'll keep it for a while and see if it helps me to post a little more often.

The problem is, I don't see myself using this the same way I do the standard interface. I can't add pictures, or format text with this thing, so will that stunt my humor? Or, indeed, have I just been making a wild assumption by calling my previous works "humor"?

Then there's the "epic" factor. Some of my previous posts have been, shall we say, excessive. This thing doesn't really encourage long-term rambling. Or is that a good thing?

So you, my loyal readers (or browsers, or whatever) will need to be the jury. This is appropriate because there can't be more than twelve of you!

Let me know what you think? More frequent, but probably smaller posts, or less frequent but occasionally researched and planned out posts?

Or do you want both? Post a comment and let me know!



-Sage Words

And Another Thing...

So here's something new. I found a little gadget that will let me make little mini blog entries from my iGoogle home page!

Wow. I can't believe I just said that. Has the world become so techno-centric that I am now excited about a webpage gadget? This will be the third method I've used to post to this blog, and I haven't even tried the e-mail posting feature!

So I guess I'm just easily distracted by shiny objects, fuzzy kittens, flashing lights, and will happily drink any kool-aid I come across!

Sad. I appear to be a mindless sheep. This probably comes as no surprise to most of you.

Whatever. I'm going to click the "publish" button, then race over to my blog to see if this worked! Cool!



-Sage Words

A Whole New Beginning

It's funny how being a so-called "expert" in a field can make you an idiot. As many of you may know (can I legally use the word "many" to describe my limited readership?) I have recently (last week) moved from the United Kingdom to Arizona. This is an issue I will deal with in an entirely other post, but for the moment, allow me to focus on one annoying thing.

You see, I needed to change my registration on this blog in order to deal with the fact that my old e-mail address no longer exists. The process for this is relatively straight-forward until you take into account the fact that, in many ways, I'm not terribly creative. One of the results of this non-creativity is my choice of nicknames. You know me here as Sage Words. That seems to have become my "nom de plume" (French for "surrender") over the years. However, I needed to come up with a new nickname in order to shift the admin functions of this blog over to my new account.

Somehow, in my haste and impatience, I have changed the "posted by" name on all my previous posts to what was supposed to be a temporary nickname, but now I'm afraid to change it for fear of losing all my posts.

So the long and the short of it is this: Old posts are now listed under the name "Parsley Words".

Parsley

My new ones will continue to be posted as "Sage Words".

Sage

Naturally, I'm good in pasta either way.



-Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme Words

Angry Bloggers Are Happy Bloggers

So I was re-reading my post from yesterday and it occurred to me that it was somewhat angry. Now, people get angry sometimes, it's just a fact of life. And I'm not going to apologize for my words. I'm quite careful about what I put up here and I don't publish it until I'm sure it's what I want to say.

With that being said, I think I need to lighten up a bit (for now!). So I'm going to open this up to my fans (both of you) to decide! I hereby promise to write about anything you want to hear! Post a comment on this entry and let me know what you want me to expound upon. I'll take the first five suggestions, regardless of topic, and write a minimum of 500 words for each one! And they will all be lighthearted and happy (unless they aren't) in keeping with my newfound need for anger management! After those five, I may or may not use other suggestions, depending on my whims!

Of course, as with anything, there are rules. Please keep the following in mind while giving me my orders:

• While I have no problem writing about poop, if that is the only word you put in your comment, I may simply write a dirty limerick and be done with it
  
• I am willing to write dirty limericks
  
• I will only revisit a topic I've previously covered if you have specific questions. Or if I feel like it
  
• You can never have too many references to monkeys. If you don't mention monkeys in your comment, don't be surprised if I throw them in anyway!
  
• Obscurity is a plus! If I have to look up a lot of stuff just to understand what you're talking about, that means I'll learn something, and that's cool
  
• Politics are fair game (in case you haven't noticed!) but don't expect me to agree with you
  
• Feel free to ask me about events in my life (first time I blew up an anthill, how often I skipped classes, etc)
  
• I will not post naked pictures of myself. Enough people have been traumatized by seeing me naked and I don't wish to add to the list
  
• Please phrase your comments in such a way that they will not call out any individual by name. Nicknames are fine, if you're sure I'll get it
  

Okay, I'm ready for the challenge! Test me, confuse me, dare me, whatever! Bring it on!

 

 

-Sage Words

New-Fangled Computer Thingies

So I just got the newest version of my default word processor (we don't do product placement here!) and it has this nifty feature that allegedly allows me to publish straight to my blog from the program itself. Now, I'm not particularly timid about technology (I have two computers, a laptop, a PDA, an iPod, two other MP3 players, several thumb drives, and cell phone numbers in two countries!) but it's just a bit scary to think my word processor can pretend it's me long enough to post to my blog!

I mean, what happens if I'm working on a school paper and I accidentally post it? Then it gets scanned by Google and ends up living on the interwebs forever? Then I turn in my paper and my instructor uses one of the term-paper scanning sites to see if I've plagiarized the work and the site finds MY OWN paper in Google's cache so the instructor gives me an "F" for plagiarizing MYSELF?!!?!!?

Dude. It's too much to consider.

However, I am nothing if not an enthusiastic adopter (mindless sheep) of new technology, so I'm writing this in my word processor and am going to try to upload it automatically.

Cross your fingers.

 

 

-Sage Words

Everything I say is perfectly reasonable.

I hate koalas.

There. I said it. And I'm glad I said it! Koalas are one of the most useless animals in all of creation! Oh, I know what you're saying:

"But koalas are so cute! They're fuzzy and soft and cuddly!"

Good point. I suggest we make coats and mittens out of 'em!

I'm serious! Koalas can't even be trusted to eat properly (like Nicole Ritchie?). They will only eat eucalyptus leaves which are a HORRIBLE food source! Koalas are one of the most profound idiots in the animal kingdom and I don't think we should tolerate their existence!

NASTY and useless, just like koalas!

Not only are eucalyptus leaves low in protein and mostly indigestible, but they are actually POISONOUS! These morons eat poison! On purpose! Koalas won't even DRINK WATER! They get all of their moisture from the stupid, indigestible, poisonous leaves that they've eaten for so long that they had to develop a special stomach to ferment them in order to extract a little more nutrition! They will literally DIE of THIRST sitting next to a pool of water if there are no eucalyptus leaves around!

Dude. Have a sandwich and a glass of milk, willya? Jeeze!

I suggest we disabuse ourselves of this whole "cute animals must live" nonsense and remember our place in the food chain. And I suggest we start by eating every last useless, stupid, poison-loving koala on the planet!

Yum!

In fact, why stop there? Koalas aren't the only useless-but-cute-so-let's-not-kill-them creatures in the world! Here are a few more items to add to the menu at my new "Circle of Life" chain of restaurants:

Pandas:

Good start!

These guys are even worse than the koalas! Pandas are carnivores. Pandas only eat bamboo. Pandas are nearly incapable of digesting cellulose. Bamboo is composed primarily of cellulose.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Actually, killing them off might be doing the pandas a favor. How many times have you heard about the complete and utter failure of pandas to mate in the wild, in captivity, in cheap motel rooms, in the back seats of cars, or ANYWHERE!?! They are trying to tell us something! They want to die out! But do we let them? No! We kidnap them, slip them a mickey, and artificially inseminate them!

Hey baby, what's your sign?

Isn't that what aliens do to lonely farmers they abduct from the X-Files? Just let them go! it's what they want! I don't see any of you trying to stop the lemmings! If lemmings are going to be allowed to kill themselves off en mass, why not pandas? Maybe instead of inseminating pandas against their will, we should be providing them with razor blades and blunt objects and encouraging them to ride skate boards without helmets!! Or are we going to suddenly come to our senses and start strapping air bags to all the lemmings and forcing them all to read "PlayRodent"?

What is wrong with these creatures? Die, pandas, die! Panda steaks, Koala Stew, and a side of Lemming McNuggets for everyone!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I'm guessing by now that one or two of you (my entire readership!) are beginning to suspect that there's something slightly wrong with me. Now, while I certainly cannot refute that assertion, my wrongness is not manifested by my sudden desire to kill and eat as many cute but useless animals as possible. It just occurred to me that, if you're loud enough and forceful enough, you can convince yourself of the truth in ANY damn-fool idea. Take the Sons of Confederate Veterans, for example.

In a celebration of their "Southern Heritage", this noble group raised a 30-foot by 50-foot Confederate Battle Flag on a 139-foot flag pole in Hillsborough County, Florida.

Gigantic symbol of ignorance

Now, I'm not one to criticize (people who criticize suck!) but I'm not sure this idea is a First-Class ticket to peace and harmony. As a matter of fact, it appears to be causing a bit of a controversy. Imagine that.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans say the flag is simply an expression of their heritage:

A Tampa man is explaining his decision to hoist what some are calling "the world's largest confederate flag" on a lot next to a busy highway. Marion Lambert of Brandon, Florida said the flag is "the most recognizable southern symbol" and he will be using it "to focus attention on the heritage [and] the history" of the south.

Unfortunately, for most (educated) people in this day and age that flag merely symbolizes hatred, intolerance, discrimination, and ignorance. Now, if that's what they're going for, great! If the Sons of Confederate Veterans are trying to show how backward and pig-headed they can be, than a 1500 square-foot "Stars & Bars" is just the way to go.

But wait. This is what they hung up:

????

And they call it the "Confederate Flag". That's odd. That's not the flag of the Confederate States of America. And it never was! Here are the official flags of the CSA (click for larger image):

Flags of Our (loser) Fathers

The top one is the real "Stars & Bars" and was adopted specifically because it was reminiscent of our own "Stars & Stripes"! Honest!

So here we have these poor, lost souls, celebrating their heritage with a symbol that never stood for what they're celebrating. That flag they are so proud of was simply one of 180 different battle standards used by the Confederacy. It was ultimately the most popular, which is why it is part of the second and third flags, but not the whole thing.

No, that symbol by itself has come to represent hate, intolerance, and division. It's a reminder of how far we once sank, as a species, when we thought it was perfectly fine to consider another human"property". It's a symbol of the most callous kind of indifference and it should only be brought out to teach an object lesson about the potential for hate in our society. In fact if it must be displayed, it should be like this:

Gallows Humor

Artist John Sims, of Tallahassee, Florida calls this piece "The Proper Way To Hang A Confederate Flag". Oddly enough, the Sons of Confederate Veterans are upset and have protested its display as "offensive, objectionable and tasteless". Now isn't that interesting?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is 2008 people. We can do micro surgery on our eyes with lasers and we can build machines out of individual molecules! The things we can do, and the ways we can improve people's lives are simply astounding! So why should we hold on to ancient symbols of hate and division? Why not concentrate more on symbols of love, happiness, kindness and hope?

Or you can come on down to the "Circle of Life Cafe" and have a big steaming bowl of Ignorance Soup on the house! And if you get any on you, have one of our napkins...
















-Sage Words