Every night! Every single night! For the past several months, every news channel in the WORLD has asked the same two questions every night.
"Is America ready for a black President?" "Is America ready for a woman President?"
Holy mackerel, people! What a ridiculous set of questions! How can we NOT be ready for a woman President or a black President? Haven't we been electing women and black people to public office for 172 years?
Don't believe me? Alexander Twilight was elected to the Vermont House of Representatives in 1836! And Jeanette Rankin was elected to the United States House of Representatives as a REPUBLICAN from MONTANA in 1916 (92 years ago)! Heck, that's four years before women even had the right to vote!
So how can we even ask the questions? Do we think women don't know how to govern? I think Margaret Thatcher's ELEVEN YEARS as Prime Minister of England (1979 - 1990) may be an example to the contrary!
Or do we think that black people lack leadership skills? Perhaps Nelson Mandela would have a thing or two to say about that. He was elected President of South Africa in that country's first democratic election where full voting rights were given to everyone! He served for five years (1994 - 1999) and was able to convince Lybian leader Muammar Gaddafi to turn over the two Lybian suspects indicted in the bombing of Pan Am flight 103. I may be a bit green, but that seems like leadership to me.
But if we were to abandon the questions of weather we're ready for a Woman President or a Black President, than how are we to maintain the adorable negativity that we are known for throughout the world? If we can't doubt candidates for having an abundance of estrogen or melanin, what can we doubt them for?
Well, fear not. I am nothing if not a slave to the needs of my readers (both of you)! So on that note, I have spent hours and hours painstakingly researching the needs of our country, and measuring our tolerances. So now I present to you my:
All-Inclusive List of Presidents We are NOT Ready For (and why)
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: These guys are pretty nasty. They breed by jamming a weird proboscis down your throat and injecting a larval thingy that eventually grows up and bursts out of your chest singing "Ragtime Gal". They bleed acid and can only be controlled by Sigourney Weaver. I suspect these traits will have a negative impact on health care. WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Not until "Band-Aid" and "Bactine" technology are considerably more advanced.
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: This guy has never been the same since the "Al Capone's Vault" incident. Not to mention getting his butt kicked on his own TV show, and selling out U.S. Troops in Iraq. Plus, I'm pretty sure he breeds the same way the Aliens from the previous entry do. WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: June 21, 398567698 at around four thirty, quarter-to-five. Eastern.
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: The technology just isn't there. The last two times we allowed computer-based intelligence to make command-level decisions we ended up with Global Thermonuclear War and freakin' Skynet! WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Sometime in the 24th Century when we can safely elect Lieutenant-Commander Data of Starfleet. As long as we're sure it's not his dastardly brother, Lore!
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: Look, I like Lassie as much as the next guy. I just think she’s kind of a One-Trick-Pony! I mean, how many times can Timmy fall down the well? Honestly? Plus, how electable is a trans-gender candidate anyway? We all know Lassie was a girl, but she was always played by boy dogs! WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Maybe in another 60 or 70 years. But, of course, that’s 420 to 490 in dog years!
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: Uh...he's holding someone's SPINE! That's just a tiny bit too Right Wing for me. Granted, The Predator is still more Liberal than Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh, but the spine-stealing, victim-skinning, trophy-taking image hasn't been a part of the Presidency since Teddy Roosevelt. WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Not soon, but we should keep this one in our back pocket to prevent a two-term Presidency by the Aliens mentioned above.
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: While it's true that we can't afford to steal spines or have our young leap out from people's chests, we also can't stick our head in the sand and hope the world's problems go away. If we don't learn how to live with our neighbors, we will become little more than an interesting footnote in someone's history book. And besides, that bird looks just a little bit too much like Ross Perot! WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: As soon as we have a unified world government, end all wars, stop poverty and hunger, and bring to a halt the atrocity of Reality Television, we'll be ready for this guy.
The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: At first it might seem like a good idea. He's sweet. He's cute. He's "something that could never possibly destroy us"! But the next thing you know, he's in the thrall of Gozer and destroying the world and the only way we can stop him is to initiate a total protonic reversal of Gozer's gate. And that, in the words of the immortal Egon Spengler, "would be bad". WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Not until we also develop gigantic Graham Crackers and massive Hershey Bars. Then we'll be ready for Mr. Stay-Puft and S'More!
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: Granted, he IS one of the founding-fathers of the Care Bear community. And he does have the Gift of Grump. But he's an empty shell of a bear without a gentile, wise old father figure to advise him. The first President Bush had Ronald Regan; President Clinton had Hugh Hefner; who is Grumpy Bear going to look up to? Papa Smurf? That's Bull-Smurf! WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: Never. Champ Bear might be able to ride the wave of his sports accomplishments into the Oval office, and America Cares Bear can get the patriotic vote, but this Grumpy bastard will never make it past Secretary of Bad Attitudes.
WHY AREN'T WE READY?: Dude! Give a 'zilla a break! Every time Rodan, or Ghidra, or Mothera, or Mecha-Godzilla gomes to town (Tokyo) we call on the big guy to come and take an ass-whuppin' on our behalf! Now you want him to balance the budget for you too? Get a friggin' grip! And besides, do you think he just forgot about that whole "created by an illegal atomic test carried out by the wanton imperialist American government on an unsuspecting island off the coast of Japan" thing? No way dude. Giant lizards have looooong memories! And dude spits FIRE! WHEN WILL WE BE READY?: First we have to apologize for turning him into a GIANT GIRL VELOCIRAPTOR in the horrifying 1998 Godzilla movie. That was just wrong.
Look folks, there a re a lot of things we aren't ready for in this world. And we have a long way to go before any passing alien race will take us for anything other than savages. But can we try something new for this election?
Can we forget that Hillary Clinton is a woman; forget that Barack Obama is black; forget that John McCain is seventy-one and Mitt Romney is a Mormon and Mike Huckabee is a former preacher and John Edwards is a lawyer and Rudy Giuliani was married three times?
Let's put all of those things aside and look at what they are SAYING!
Listen to their message and study it!
Find out how your candidate's ideas would effect you and your family and your friends and then VOTE for that person!
THINK about what you want YOUR next President to be like and vote for the PERSON that fits that mold the most; not the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant man that comes closest, but the PERSON!
Because that's what we have running for President right now, folks.