Do you need an Anonycat to catch an Anonymouse?

For those who frequent this blog (and admittedly, I have not been among you of late!) you are probably aware of my dear friend and long-time supporter, Anonymouse.

Anonymouse has been a stalwart commentator on my work from the beginning, even though an apparent drinking binge negated one of the more ambitious comments intended for our mutual enjoyment by said commentator.

However, in the interest of full disclosure I must now admit to you all that I do not actually know who Anonymouse is! If you've been reading the comments on my various posts, you've seen the back and forth banter between myself and my mysterious friend. And you know that I have successfully eliminated a few people from my list of suspects.

So now, I thought I'd bring this little contest to the front page, as it were. Here follows my latest response to a comment by Anonymouse, where I was asked why I have dubbed her/him/them/whatever "anonymouse".

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I have dubbed thee "Anonymouse" for two reasons:

1. To distinguish your posts from other (potential) anonymous users
2. Just in case you turn out to be a cute, furry quadruped with an entirely rational fear of cats

You see, there is a fine line between Reality, and my world. If you choose to cross that line, you must live by my rules. One of those rules is a nickname requirement. But just like in a good restaurant, if you don't bring a coat and tie, we'll make you wear one of ours!

Now here's a test:

• Who got married to the widow next door?

-Sage Words

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So now the ball is in your court Anonymouse. Do you know the answer to the question above? I eagerly await your comment!


-Sage Words

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a SCI-FI, Horror, Slapstick, Action Flick today!

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a couple to dissolve the traditional method of choosing what movie to go see, a just and equitable new method must be established. It has to have rules. It has to have absolutes. And most of all, it has to protect the fragile ego of the male half of the couple and allow him to achieve some small (albeit meaningless) victories in the movie-choosing process. (Note: It is not actually necessary for the woman to ever win this contest, as they are far more secure than men; but if they do come out ahead once in a while, it makes the hollow victory achieved by the man that much sweeter {though still meaningless})

With all that said, I suppose it is now incumbent upon me to provide a solution. While I would normally prefer to simply whine and complain and leave the problem alone to fester and grow until it can never be solved, I have decided (been told by my wife) to tackle the problem head on. So in the spirit of harmony for all couples (doing as I’m told) I present to you my:

Movie Exchange Rate System

The concept of an exchange rate for movies is not terribly new (I overheard a guy I work with, we’ll call him “John”; say he and his wife already practice a rudimentary exchange system). But because there’s never been a thoroughly researched and tested system, men have had to bargain with their wives over movies for literally thousands of years! A typical exchange goes like this:

EVE: Let’s go see I Weep All Day at the One-Plex!

ADAM: But honey! I wanted to see Hit on the Head tonight!

EVE: The last three movies we saw were Crushed by Rocks; Dude, Where’s My Fig Leaf?; and Snakes on a Tree! We are going to see I Weep All Day!

ADAM: Hey, that’s not fair! You liked Snakes on a Tree! You said it was “oddly compelling”!

EVE: Oh, yeah…about that…um, Hey! Did you try that pie I made you yet?

And it goes on and on like that throughout history. Marie Antoinette just had to catch Head Over Heels, Joan of Arc couldn’t miss I Burn For You, and Amelia Earhart was first in line to see Fly Away With Me! But all of those tragedies might have been avoided if only there had been a simple method of exchanging movies so a fair balance between Chick Flicks and regular movies, indeed between all movies, could have been achieved.

Of course, to create such a system, you must first define the commodities you are working with. Then you need to assign them a value, and apply those values to an exchange rate. Finally, you’ve got to set up a system of rules so it’s used the same way every time. If there’s ever going to be any progress ("Dennis, there's some LOVELY filth down here!"), we need to begin at the beginning. So let’s look at some definitions.

Categories of Films

I put considerable time, effort, and research into studying every film ever made. I built a comprehensive database to track the various attributes of all films throughout history and assigned a point value to each one. I considered such important cinematic elements as: number of uses of the word ”love”, number of times someone is punched, car crashes, scenes lit primarily by candle or fireplace light, gratuitous nudity (or lack thereof), volume of Hugh Grant appearances in the film, and countless other criteria. Then I got distracted by a pop-up ad for a new flavor of “Scope” and deleted the whole thing without saving it. My bad.

Since I am obviously not going to put that much work into this a second time, I will “Wing It” from here on out. Let’s start with the seven categories of films:

1. Guy Flicks (GF): These are movies that not only appeal primarily to guys, but are intended almost exclusively for a male audience. When Chicks are forced to see them, they are not permitted to complain about things like a lack of plot, unrealistic outcomes, or excessive explosions. That is the reason we are here, ladies. Have a sip of your Diet Coke and move on. (NOTE: Sports pictures, even if they make you cry, are automatically Guy Flicks. It’s a rule). Here are some examples:

(NOTE 2: For the purposes of this list, figure skating is not a sport – you hear that, Cutting Edge fans? NOT a sport! Go Home!)

2. Chick Flicks (CF): These are movies obviously made for women. They tend to contain a lot of exposition about relationships, looking for “Mr. Right”, moral behavior, sensitivity, and a bunch of other weird junk that only the estrogen-enhanced can really understand. When men are forced to see them, they are not permitted to fidget, complain, whine, sigh loudly or otherwise express their discomfort in any way that could distract the women who are actually getting something out of this. Eat your popcorn and shut up. Remember, she didn’t bother you during The Fifth Element! (NOTE: Gentlemen, remember: So-called “tasteful” nudity is STILL nudity! If this Chick Flick has some, just try to concentrate on that while the rest of the movie sucks.) Here are some examples of Chick Flicks:

(NOTE 2: I do not know how Brokeback Mountain fits into this, nor do I care to find out. If it becomes an issue, I suggest you find someone French to settle the dispute.)

3. Standard Comedies (SC): Standard comedies are funny flicks that tend to skew just a bit to the male side. They have fart jokes, sight gags, inappropriate comments and the occasional gratuitous cleavage shot. Men generally enjoy them a lot, while women laugh all the way through and then complain about how “stupid” or “improbable” certain parts are. Here’s a heads-up, ladies; it’s like that on purpose. If you want to see a movie that requires you to think, just look farther down the list for the “Other Movies” category. (NOTE: Comedies with a “Message” or with “Heart” are probably better classified as “Other Movies”. Sorry Pleasantville, try not to be quite so pretentious next time.) Here are some Standard Comedies:

(NOTE 2: The film Kate and Leopold is quite funny and even has jokes about a “Great Erection”; but in the end Meg Ryan is in it, so it has to get kicked to the next category!)

4. Romantic Comedies (RC): This is the biggest gray area of them all. There are a lot of movies out there that are slap-a-monkey hilarious, but are still saddled with an overabundance of romance, relationships, and happily-ever-after-ness. These films are all skewed for women, but men (at least some of the more evolved ones) can still enjoy them, despite this shortfall. Guys, you will find parts of these uncomfortable or smarmy, but grit your teeth and think about football for a minute, it’ll pass. (NOTE: Romantic Comedies have the greatest chance of having a shot of a guy’s naked butt. DO NOT attempt to cover her eyes like she does to you when the naked chick runs by in Airplane! The ratio of boobs-to-butts in Cinema is still in our favor, so let her enjoy it while she can.) These are examples of Romantic Comedies:

(NOTE 2: Boys, just because Adam Sandler is in The Wedding Singer, its status is unchanged. It is STILL a Romantic Comedy. Get over it.)

5 & 6. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! [Male and Female] (YGBKMM or YGBKMF): Some flicks are simply a cinch to categorize. Is it the type of film with a running body count? Probably for dudes. Do the actresses wear petticoats and bodices? Call the chicks. So each side gets its own YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME category! ‘Nuff Said! (NOTE: ANY film with ANY connection to Jane Austin, no matter how tenuous, is automatically a YGBKMF. No exceptions!) Here are some examples of each. You can probably guess which is which:

(NOTE 2: Guys, if it has zombies in it, even if you think it’s funny, don’t try to pass it off as a Standard Comedy. Respect is a two way street and Shaun of the Dead is a YGBKMM! Now you know. "And knowing is half the battle!")

7. Other Movies (OM): Now we come to everything else. Some movies are funny, but not romantic, but still have a point and ultimately make you learn something. Some movies are action packed, but have a human element and can make you sniffle a bit. Still others are EVENT pictures that you have to see no matter what. These include important franchise films like Star Trek or X-Men, high class dramas like A Beautiful Mind or Crash, political thrillers like The Interpreter or All the President’s Men and real-event homage films like United 93 or Hotel Rwanda. You also have important sequels like Indiana Jones IV and Rocky Balboa, as well as fun caper flicks like Ocean’s Eleven, The Italian Job, or Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead. (NOTE: Classic film revivals and re-releases are often found here too. Like the Star Wars Special Editions, a Lord of the Rings marathon, or the Director’s Cut of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo) Here are a few more from the Other Movie category:

(NOTE 2: Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo is a classic because it was the first on-screen appearance of The Muscles from Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme! Betcha didn’t know THAT!)

(NOTE 3: The Internet Movie Database says Van Damme was in the first Breakin’ movie, but the Breakin’ 2 official website says different. So there!)

The Exchange Rate

Now that we have all agreed on how to classify the movies, it’s time to work out the exchange rate. For ease of use, I’ve created this handy-dandy chart. Feel free to print one out for at home!

Now, you may notice a slight discrepancy in the rates on the male side. I assure you, it is not a typo. Men are both more fragile AND bigger whiners, so it’s only fair (to us) that we get a better exchange rate. Just think of it as spending Canadian dollars in the USA; it’s a drag that you have to pay a higher rate, but we don’t care.

The Rules

Now the last thing I need to cover is the practical use of the system. We can’t be going all Lord of the Flies here and letting you make up your own rules! What happens if you go on a double date, but both couples don’t use the same exchange system? ANARCHY! That’s what happens! And since we can’t have that, we’ll have these four simple rules instead:

Rule 1: The exchange rate must be posted at all times. (That’s what the chart above is for. Please respect it!)

Rule 2: A running account balance will be kept at all times, in a place where both parties can access it. (Dudes, if you’re already in the hole for 9 CF’s and a YGBKMF, you’d best go get tickets to a double feature of The Queen and Bride & Prejudice STAT!)

Rule 3: All exchange transactions will occur BEFORE a movie is watched, and properly documented. (Listen sister, we saw Much Ado About Nothing last week! It counts!)

Rule 4 [This one is IMPORTANT!]: Enjoyment of a movie after-the-fact IS NOT a basis for exchange account adjustment! EVER! IT’S NOT! (I don’t care if HE ended up enjoying Return to Me or SHE got a kick out of Zoolander you will RESPECT THE SYSTEM!)

And Finally...

Wow. That’s a lot to take in. But I’m so dedicated to relationship harmony (my wife was SO tired of hearing me complain) that I felt it was important to get this all down while it was still fresh in my mind. If I may, I’d like to thank some of the folks who provided invaluable assistance in the development of this system:

To Adam Sandler; whose insistence on making RC’s that make me laugh until it hurts was one of the reasons I had to do this in the first place! Thanks, jerk.

To Bono, from U2; you had nothing to do with any part of this, but I respect a guy with the guts to call himself “Bono” when it could easily be turned into “Bone-O” by cruel people. Keep the faith, brother.

To my Dad; your love of movies, and of sharing them with me, got me to the point where I had to care about this in the first place!

To my Mom; without you sharing the films you love with me, I wouldn’t know the difference between Carey Grant and Carey Elwes! I wouldn't even know that was important! You rock!

And finally, to my wife; you let me see all the stupidest movies, and you force me to watch all the CF’s and RC’s that I end up crying like a baby at... Er, I’m not sure I should actually “thank” you for that last part, come to think of it. Oh well, you’re hot. That makes up for a lot!

Well folks, until next time!

-Sage Words

Scoring Maximum Brownie Points for Valentine’s Day -- or -- How to Succeed in Romance Without Really Trying

Since the dawn of time, men have been hunter/gatherers. Starting with woolly mammoths as a dietary supplement and progressing through the years to consumer electronics, men have sought the means for survival. However, one commodity has always been at the top of the list, more precious than all the others combined: The Brownie Point. The most sought-after item in the male survival kit.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, it’s time for a quick tutorial in amassing the greatest possible number of brownie points with minimal work. With this tried and true method, a man can rack up obscene amounts of brownie points without breaking a sweat. (Ladies, I don’t think this will work for you. If you just get him those consumer electronics and wear some uncomfortable but exciting underwear, you'll get all the brownie points you need!)

The concept here is simple, gents. Give your wife/girlfriend/significant other/mate (whatever) a valentine every day for the whole month leading up to the big day, then give her something super special in a truly thoughtful way on the big day. Whammo! You are now rolling in the brownie points!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That’s too expensive, I can’t afford that! Well, that’s where you’re wrong; I can bring the whole thing in for less than 30 bucks! Here’s how it works:

Start out by making a quick trip to the local grocery store. Here you will find over 90 percent of your supplies, and you can pick up a six-pack while you’re at it! (Good deal, huh?) Head for the holiday aisle (every store has one) and pick up a box of little kid valentines (you remember, Go-Bots or He-Man saying, “Be mine!” while fighting off the evil Skeletor; that kind of thing -- whatever you think your lady will find cute and endearing).

Next, move over to the candy section and grab a selection of cheap Valentine’s Day candy. The M&M Mini’s in the little Valentine boxes are an excellent choice. You can also get the little Necco Hearts that say “kiss” and “true love” but if you do, try to find some in small individual packages. You’ll see why in a minute.

At this point, we have the Valentines and we have some candies; two very excellent ingredients for Valentine’s Day bliss. Now we concentrate on something for the big day itself. A box of chocolates or a Valentine’s Day teddy bear make great final gifts, and can keep you under budget. If you have a bit more money to spend, find a nice set of earrings or a bracelet for the final gift, and set it aside until the end.

Once all of the supplies have been purchased, it’s time to prepare everything. It’s best to do this ahead of time so you can concentrate on the implementation phase coming up without having to back track. Take the valentines out of the box and set aside one for each day between now and Valentine’s Day (if you don't have a month left, that's okay - anything over six days works). Save the big card, the one that says “For the Greatest Teacher in the World!” for last, and don’t worry if your true love is not a teacher; I’ve got that covered, too!

Write a quick love note on each of the valentines and put it in the little envelope provided. Good phrases include, “I’ll love you forever!” and “My heart belongs to you!” A nice touch here would be to use silver or gold ink pens, but this is not vital to the success of the mission. Next, attach one of the little candies you bought to each envelope and address it: To (your pet name for her) From (her pet name for you).

Ok, now that you have all of your supplies ready, hide them at work or somewhere she’ll never find them, and prepare for the implementation phase (I told you it was coming up!).

Now we're in the home stretch! All that's left is to find an original way to give her one of your valentines every day leading up to the final show. Try to be original! While it is acceptable to simply present her with one every day, (and the short-term benefits of this CAN be considerable!) I like to find a different way for each day. It helps build anticipation and that is ALWAYS a good idea! Hide one in her car before she leaves for work one day. Get one of her coworkers to smuggle one into her desk another day. Perhaps place one under her pillow. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

All of this valentine-giving activity is the perfect build up to the big day. Valentine’s Day is the day you want to pull out all the stops. Take her out to a nice dinner and a play (NOT to a movie! Four hundred other guys are trying that gag tonight. Be ORIGINAL!). If you can’t swing all of that, just cook for her yourself. Not only is this considered romantic but if you absolutely can’t cook, and you try anyway, you get bonus points for the attempt!

And now, the moment of truth is upon you. Here comes the big payoff. Remember the big valentine that said “For the Greatest Teacher in the World?” Well, that’s what brings the whole thing together. Inside that card, you complete the back-to-school theme by writing “I did all this because you’ve taught me the true meaning of love!” Present this to her along with your special, final gift, and go get a sponge because she’s going to melt! The month of attention and affection will have her so squishy inside that she’ll be completely blown away by this final, most thoughtful gift of all!

Gentlemen, the quest for brownie points is never-ending. We all struggle from day to day, just to scrape by. But with a little thought and preparation, a nearly limitless smörgåsbord of brownie points can be yours for the taking!

Now go out there and get those points! And remember to use them quickly; they expire next week.

-Sage Words

Frankly my dear, I love these MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKES!

This past week, I saw the greatest movie that has ever been offered up to the gods of cinema. Better than "Gunga Din," "Casablanca," "Gone With the Wind," "Rear Window," "Schindler's List," "Behind the Green Door," "Robocop II," "Pooh's Heffalump Movie," "Showgirls (Director's Cut Special Edition)," "The Secret of N*I*M*H," "Slumber Party Massacre," "Dude, Where's My Car?" "My Bodyguard," "The Breakfast Club," "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace," and "Muppets Take Manhattan" combined!

I speak, of course, of "Snakes on a Plane!"


Never have I seen a greater return for my cinema investment! I mean, think about it. You hear the title, "Snakes on a Plane," and you begin to make a list in your sub-conscience of all the things that should appear in such a film. Taking into account the fact that it is simultaneously a horror film, adventure movie, airline disaster flick, black comedy, mob movie and nature show, here is a list of the first dozen or so things you assume will be in the movie:

1. Mile High Club
2. Federal Agent/Hero Cop
3. Gratuitous ear-stabbing (with a high-heel shoe!)
4. Snake-on-Snake violence
5. Snake to the eye
6. Last-second airliner swoop to prevent a crash
7. Grizzled old stewardess
8. Hero Cop's partner buys it
9. Snake to the junk
10. Snake eats annoying little yappy dog
11. Privileged asshole businessman
12. Explosive decompression
13. Pilots die and passenger has to land the plane
14. "Is there a doctor on board?" (There is. He's dead!)
15. Privileged asshole businessman gets eaten by an anaconda
16. Baseball bat Fu
    

I could go on and on, but the important thing is this: This movie has EVERYTHING! You cannot possibly come out of the theater unsatisfied with this film. It is a roller-coaster ride of absolute devotion to the audience. Everything is there for you, with no pretension.

Now, let me get into some of the background. This whole thing started with a couple of screen writers getting hammered and talking about formulaic movies. You know the ones I mean; spy signs on for one last mission, falls in love with the exotic contact he meets in Bulgaria, finds out he's supposed to kill an old friend who has gone over to the other side and now questions his own loyalty while boinking the hot chick with a far away look in his eyes.

If this sounds like a James Bond movie to you, you're wrong. It's more like TWENTY James Bond movies. Now don't get me wrong, I like the 007 movies as much as anyone (except the Timothy Dalton ones. Fuck Timothy Dalton. And as much as I loved Brosnan in the role, the storyline in "The World is not Enough" blew ass). I'm just saying that they've become a bit predictable of late. I truly hope that the remake of "Casino Royale" breaks the trend.

But I digress. So these dudes are talking about formulaic movies and how you simply take two or three basic elements, add a unique twist (or at least one that hasn't been used in a couple of months) simmer for 25 minutes and "Poof!" instant hit. So they asked themselves (or each other, or the pink elephant in the room, who knows? I told you they were drunk!) what are two things that most people are scared of? The answer:

1. Snakes
2. Planes

Holy crap. Instant classic! Snakes. On a plane. It's nothing short of brilliant!



Now, most drunken idiots would leave it at that. But these guys are creative types. So one of them bangs out a script over the weekend and the other guy gets a meeting at a studio with The Suits. They walk in and their entire pitch goes:

"Okay, check this out: Snakes. On a plane."

The Suits practically fall over each other trying to say yes, and we're off to the races!

So they bring in a director, who happens to be friends with Samuel L. Jackson. He calls up his buddy and says "Snakes on a plane, Sam. Snakes on a plane."

Sam is in. They start work on the film, but the director ends up leaving. But that's okay because the new guy is Sam's friend too, and he understands the greatness they are about to produce. Work continues.

Ah, but now The Suits begin to act like you would expect mindless automotons to act. They want to ensure the movie comes in at PG-13 so they get a wider audience. Jackson and the director are dead set against it and tell them that an R rating is the only way to go, but The Suits win this one.

Then The Suits start talking about the title. They think "Snakes on a Plane" is too trite and will drive the audience away. They want something cool like "Pacific Air 131!" Yeah! What a kick ass title! Mr. Jackson does not agree.

Knowing it's the right thing to do, Sam Jackson threatens to walk if they change the title. "I signed up for 'Snakes on a Plane' not some f***in' 'Pacific Air' B*** S***!" he says. This time The Suits cave. And to bring ultimate justice to the story, the PG-13 version sucks so much that all the focus groups hate it. They all cry out for the R rated content that The Suits were against in the first place. So a call goes out to all the actors and extras and they come back in and shoot some more scenes to make it appropriately R rated.

And the end result? The greatest film of all time. A film that, while short on story, thin in the plot area, and nearly bereft of any socially redeeming content, still delivers everything a movie-goer could possibly want or need from a film called "Snakes on a Plane!" GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

I can't wait for the sequel!





-Sage Words

Riding the skateboard of progress across the sandy beach of life.

As you might expect, I had planned to begin this experiment with something profound. However, profundity sometimes has to take a back seat to reality. Read on...

In my previous post, I discussed some of the possibilities for this blog. I fully intended to begin with an insightful political commentary, or an intuitive examination of a particularly good comic book story I was thinking of today, but instead, we have this:

SPELL CHECK IS FROM THE DEVIL!

I have never had a blog before. I was reading my friend Sid's blog and decided I'd like to try one of my own, so I went to blogger.com and signed up for a blog which is made with some sort of blogging software to blog this out onto my blog (I feel like a smurfin' Smurf!). When I wrote my carefully-considered first post to my first blog and went to post it, I ran the spell-check function that comes free with the blog. It did not recognize the word "blog".

This may well be the first sign of the apacolypse.

When did our society become so lazy that we decided to create a piece of software designed specifically to make us STUPID?!?

And it works! I know! There was a time, many years ago, when I could spell. I could take a document, scan it at arms length, and pick out any misspelled word by pattern-recognition alone! But now, with the insidious spell-checker in common use, I can't spell simple words to save my life! Already in this very post I have misspelled accross (should be: across), recognise (of course I do live in England so it may be acceptable), and apocalypse (but really, who wants to be right about that?).

So now, in 2006, we are all morons.

Don't try to deny it. If you are reading this, odds are good that you are dumber now than you were in school. You depend on a calculator to balance your checkbook (assuming you do that sort of thing), a GPS or SAT/NAV to tell you how to get somewhere, a call to "information" to find a phone number, and the unholy spell-checker to tell you how to spell a simple word like "there". Or is it "they're"? Or "their"?

Crap.

My point is, we have all become so dependant on the little whiz-bang machines and software-bots and other new-fangled, hoo-ha crappity-crap that our brains have moved on! Now we use text messaging to ensure the words "to", "too", and "two" R 4evr rplcd w/ the # 2! ROTFL!

So where does that leave us? Well, we'll never give up our computers, cell,phones, SAT/NAV's, calculators, or spell-checkers so I guess we just have to get used to being morons. Or maybe not!

According to the spell-check function of this blog, we are not "morons".

We are all "moorings".

I rest my case.



-Sage Words

Introduction

So here it is, a brand-new blog. The newest piece of content on the ever-expanding worldwide web. In this blog (as I learn how to use it) you will find a seemingly random collection of thoughts, opinions, rants, and frivolity. What you won't find is a lot of personal information about me. It's not that I'm particularly shy, I just don't care to make myself all that public.

Now, they say nothing ever dies on the Internet. This is, for the most part, true. So some day I may win the lottery or run for office or save a burning kitten from a tree or otherwise become a "public person" and if that happens, there may be some monkey who gets assigned to dredge the bottom of the great River of Information that you are floating on right now and they may find this blog. If so, they will be greeted by run-on sentences, bad jokes, generalizations, vicious attacks against no one in particular, several misspellings, and one or two insightful articles shining a pinprick of light on the human condition. For these last, I am truly sorry.


-Sage Words